Tag Archive | John Gemberling
August 24, 2014  

Slingback Sunday

Here’s another classic from 2010: yours truly in Prospect Park, Brooklyn, hovering near that neighborhood’s somewhat infamous bootleg Ectomobile. Spotting this car would have been plenty of excitement for one afternoon, but since New York City is New York City that day I also met comedy star John Gemberling at a coffee shop, drank pea soup at a pea soup dispensary, was issued a police citation for being in the park after sunset, and attended a cookie bake-off where the dj played nothing but death metal.

Not that it matters now, but I wasn’t actually in the park after sunset, I was in the park during sunset. That stuck in my craw, so I contested the ticket in court. My case was sucked into this long line of vending citations; the judge got to me and I had barely confirmed my name when he quickly bellowed:

“Mr. Greene, do you know that you’re not supposed to be in the park after sundown? Great, dismissed.”

#justice

December 24, 2013  

Q: What Would It Take To Get You Into Wal-Mart On Xmas Eve?

A: In the center of the store there must be such a gross amount of Surge twelve packs left over from 1997 that the employees have fashioned it all to look like some world famous landmark, like the Taj Mahal or the Parthenon. They also must take out singular cans and have them about the perimeter of said display like little people, dressed in the appropriate costumes (for instance, if it’s the Parthenon, little togas and laurel wreaths).

Next to that, there must be an aisle of Star Wars DVDs / Blu-Rays featuring the original three movies—Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi—in their unaltered theatrical form. A bonus disc must be bundled with these DVDs containing the alternate version of Revenge of the Sith I literally dreamed one night in 2005; centered around some sort of mystical time capsule on Hoth, my subconscious version of Sith magically explains away all the frustrating bullshit from the first two Star Wars prequels and is infinitely more captivating than any frame of the real movie.

The in-house music must be playing the Zeke discography and the Wal-Mart staff must be comprised of Pam Grier, Charo, Elvira, Rip Taylor, Jodie Foster, Johnny 5 from Short Circuit, John Gemberling, and E.T. era Drew Barrymore. I must be driven to this Wal-Mart (the exterior of which must also feature a mural celebrating my life’s accomplishments) in the original Ectomobile by Annie Potts. When I finish checking out, Chuck Barris must come out from behind a curtain to smash me in the face with a creme pie.

“Jaye P. Mor-gone!” Barris must exclaim. “What do you think of James Greene’s purchases?”

Jaye P. Morgan must then appear to say something withering.