Help me, I am in list hell.
xXx (2002) – Bald mush-mouth Vin Diesel makes his mark as extreme sports fanatic / government spy Xander Cage in this deliciously brain-dead dick slap of an action thriller which also features Rammstein, Danny Trejo, Samuel L. Jackson, and a scene in which our hero parachutes out of a stolen Corvette he just drove off a bridge while Drowning Pool plays in the background and Tony Hawk looks on in amazement. That moment alone stands as a metaphor for our entire decade.
xXx: State Of The Union (2005) – We were all hoping Vin Diesel would reprise his role as Xander Cage in the xXx sequel; alas, he was too busy making The Pacifier or some equally-neutered career-killing crap. Ice Cube was kind enough to step up and offer a performance that’s almost 100% Christmas ham. The surrounding movie is just as pork-laden, so much so I’d be surprised if State of the Union isn’t FDA-regulated.
Snakes On A Plane (2006) – Samuel L. Jackson atones for the sins of his awful Shaft remake with this bountiful cheese-fest, which became a cult classic before it even hit screens. Some say the film couldn’t live up to the dizzying Internet hype, but I think it delivers on all its promises: nudity, Keenan Thompson, Julianna Margulies (continuing the cinematic legacy of horse shit she touched off with Ghost Ship), and an f-load of snakes on a m-f’n plane. There was also that tasty Cobra Starship theme song.
Ghost Ship (2002) – If memory serves, this was the first movie Julianna Margulies did after turning down half a bajillion dollars for a seventh season on “ER.” What a way to give NBC the finger. “No, keep your money and your highly-acclaimed medical drama…I’d rather do Friday The 13th on a boat.” I’ll never forget that final scene of Julianna watching the killer step off the ghost ship in slow motion, set to the most insane rap metal you’ve ever heard. It makes me smile just thinking about it.
Kangaroo Jack (2003) – Jerry O’Connell. Anthony Anderson. A sassy kangaroo in sunglasses with a ton of stolen money. I’m surprised Cuba Gooding, Jr. isn’t in this somewhere. Still, it’s a sight to behold.
How The Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) – The make-up in this live action adaptation of the classic Seuss cartoon is comically horrifying. You just want to hit every Who in Whoville with a shovel in the hopes it will de-ugly their face. You can hardly tell what Jim Carrey is saying half the time, which is additionally “side-splitting.” Just a nauseating mess that still might be funnier than any Will Ferrell movie when you’re eight beers to the wind.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009) – Kevin James could have made a really funny mall cop movie. Instead, he turned in Paul Blart, the first act of which is so awkward and depressing you’d think it was some kind of half-assed sequel to Punch Drunk Love made by D+ film students. Then Paul’s mall gets taken over by the worst actors on the planet, and the whole thing turns into the Least Plausible Live Action Cartoon In The History Of Mankind. Paul Blart is truly a monument to shitty, WTF? filmmaking. Load up on the laughing gas and rent this pile of confusion.
Freddy vs. Jason (2003) – An amazing film to see in the theater as [SPOILER ALERT] it posits no clear winner. The audience (read: three teenagers) I saw it with immediately launched into a heated and expletive-filled argument regarding the movie’s true victor once the credits rolled. Well played, Hollywood. The ultimate horror showdown is a draw. On the other hand, you made us watch Kelly Rowland act, you owe us something.
Halloween: Resurrection (2002) – If you’re main complaint about Rob Zombie’s Halloween movies so far has been the noticeable lack of Busta Rhymes, go back to this early century classic. Busta and talk show queen Tyra Banks trap a bunch of dumb white kids in a haunted house for a reality show. You-know-who shows up, leading Busta to lay the smack down as only he can (“Trick or treat, motherfucker!”). This is the kind of escapism our country needed in that strange post-9/11 pre-Billy Mays world.
Revenge Of The Sith (2005) – They turn R2-D2 into Inspector Gadget in this one. They also kill someone from heartbreak and have Yoda counsel Anakin in a little girl’s closet. Not as dreadful as the two other prequels, but still a hard kick in the junk from a man who once gave us greatness.