Tag Archive | liver shunt

Uncle Jim’s Bathroom Snoozer: The Best Of JG2Land 2013

I posted a lot of stuff on the blog this year; the following pieces are those of which I am most proud.

Joe Flaherty Is Always Behind Us, Metaphorically Speaking
Awesome Ideas For Gremlins 3
Q: What’s The Worst Concert You’ve Ever Attended?
Q: What’s The Best Concert You’ve Ever Attended?
Area Man Has Opinion On Oscar-Nominated Short
Q: Why Don’t You Drink?
White Zombie’s Sean Yseult: The JG2Land Interview
“Duckman” Creator Everett Peck: The JG2Land Interview
Unsolicited Thoughts On This Video Of FLAG…
Unsolicited Thoughts On Marky Ramone’s Gelato Commercial
Jeff Hanneman: 1964-2013
The Force Will Be With You, Emma Greenway Horton, Always
Kid Gets Job, America Outraged
Thirty Years Of Jabba The Hutt’s Bitchy Admin Assist
Q: So, You’re A Writer…Like, What Do You Do All Day?
Unsolicited Thoughts On Racist Celebrity Chefgate
Today’s Mental Debates (Larry David Edition)
Unsolicited Maxwell’s Memories
Q: Have You No Rant On The Black Flag Lawsuit?
Area Man Shocked By Insignificant Cartoon Factoid
Unsolicited Thoughts / Notes On Everybody Loves Our Town
Liver Shunt And Butter Queens
Twenty Years In The Cone Zone
The Last Time I Saw That Guy…
Undead Singer / Guitarist Bobby Steele: The JG2Land Interview
Drive-In Totals For Metallica: Through The Never
Adrenalin O.D. Guitarist Bruce Wingate: The JG2Land Interview
A Glimpse Into My Gatesgiving
This Music Leaves Stains Book Touro Recappo
Jockin’ Fair Use To Their Dismay

In the coming days I will probably curate similar lists for every previous year JG2Land has existed, because the time for self-reflection is always and it’s important you readers have some way to separate four years of wheat from four years of chaff.

Thanks for reading, y’all. Enjoy your nude ears.

Liver Shunt & Butter Queens

Here I am not eating deep fried Twinkies at the Minnesota State Fair. My buddy John got one and did his best to push some of it on me, but by this point I had already ingested a small bucket of poutine, five to ten ancillary cheese curds, five to ten hush puppies, half a corn cob, a massive chunk from someone else’s pork chop on a stick, and a large Coke. Did I mention at this point my party and I had only been at the fairgrounds fifteen, twenty minutes tops? Considering I’d later throw down a blueberry malt, five to ten spam curds, and a slightly-larger-than-personal pan pizza, I think I made the right move sparing my body the harmful effects of Super Twinkie.

I am also happy to report that the LARGEST STATE FAIR IN AMERICA™ delivers on its promise of local beauty queens sculpted in butter. Yellow, chunky, and vaguely human, the busts are housed in a very odd-looking (refrigerated) display case at the far end of the “Dairy Complex.” The whole thing looks like a “Batman” set piece. I kept waiting for Otto Preminger to bust in there, fishbowl on his head and freeze ray in his hands, swearing revenge on the Butter Princess who broke his heart. Of course, that didn’t happen. Otto’s been dead for thirty years.

Other bits of interest from this Midwestern Über-Carnival: goats aplenty, pigs aplenty, horsies aplenty, a massive boar named Kenny with testicles the size of small globes, an entire floor of 4-H science projects (I finally know what liver shunt is!), flamenco dancers, guitarists of the flat-picking variety, a fish pond containing actual muskies and crappie, some guy in a hipster Bigfoot costume (regular Bigfoot costume plus extra small t-shirt and sunglasses), a taxidermy booth featuring a dead squirrel in a canoe, several booths hawking home window installation, a parade of local mascots that included a dancing My29 logo, and far too many shirts reminding you that the Minnesota state bird is the mosquito.

All this nonsense wonder and you know what? The fair’s custodial staff managed to keep the grounds cleaner than Disney in July. Going in I was expecting sights and smells on par with Woodstock ’94. To my surprise and delight that mutha stays straight sanitized. Hats off, janitorials!

Oh yeah, as you can see, I also wore a Gilligan hat to this swingin’ party. Why not? I was on vacation.