Israel, Palestine Broker Peace Over Shared Hatred Of Affleck
Not really, but can you imagine? All that bloodshed staved because nobody wants Reindeer Games to play Batman. If I worked for “Night Show with White-zo Whiteman” that’s the joke angle I’d take for tomorrow’s monologue. Hey Ben Affleck, no one wants you in the Batcave! [popular quote from Affleck movie twisted and thrown back in Ben’s face] [audience laughs, host shoots smug look at band leader]
Meanwhile, hats off to Henry Cavill for not chewing his own face off or shooting up a WB executive board room (yet). I think I would have walked the minute someone told me they were turning my Superman sequel into the next Batman launching pad. Regardless of who’s in the cowl that’s gotta be deflating. Welcome to Hollywood post-Avengers. Man of Steel failed to halt time and space. It was not praised as the new deity, universally drank as the new absolute superhero elixir. Making MOS2 could be a gamble. It might only make $600 mil again! The Twittersphere might not cotton to Gilbert Gottfried at Mxyzptlk!
Fuck it, let’s just make it a Batman instead. That’s a sure bet. Hey, despite its flaws (i.e. everything) Batman & Robin still had the third highest opening weekend of 1997! I know I saw it that weekend. I laid down my coppers to watch Chris O’Donnell and Alicia Silverstone shame themselves out of their own careers. That was…delicious.
Look, I just feel bad for Superman. I want him to have his Dark Knight. Of course, Superman’s Dark Knight may have arrived in 1978 in the form of that first Richard Donner outing. How can you top Reeve, Kidder, and that devil Hackman? Maybe you can’t. Maybe it’s time I shift my worries to other DC characters. Yo, where that Wonder Twins movie at? I can see Mila Kunis and a Jonas brother making that work.
Unsolicited Mini-Reviews Of Films I Have Recently Watched
Forgetting Sarah Marshall – Satisfying dirty rom-com starring some hairless Bigfoot and his unnecessary schlong. I was pretty shocked when they introduced that topless photo of Mila Kunis into the proceedings. Turns out it was a fake (or so says the Internet). I’m kind of relieved. Those were some sizable nips. I’m disappointed more wasn’t done with the fake “CSI” starring Weirdo Baldwin. Potential goldmine ignored.
Baby Mama – Undercooked. Amy Poehler’s character wasn’t trashy enough, the subplot with Greg Kinnear wasn’t terribly believable, and Steve Martin’s stunt casting hurt my dick. There were a lot of “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” dudes in this, which was interesting. Also, the triumphant return of Siobhan Fallon! Remember those “Delta Delta Delta” skits she used to do with Melanie Hutsell? Those shits cracked me the f up.
Cast Away – Robert Zemeckis knows how to make epics that don’t really feel all that epic. I can’t believe Chris Noth played [SPOILER DELETED]. Am I the only person who thinks he looks like a fat Hammer Films vampire? Like Peter Cushing’s pudgy undead son.
American Movie – Still hilarious after all these years (until you listen to the commentary track and hear that Mark is still massively in debt and slightly worse for wear). I think my favorite scene in this movie is when Mark thinks he hears his daughter curse. He’s sort of incredulous she may have swore, she’s incredulous that she’s being accused (AND that her father is pathetically acting like he’s cool with it) – the minute or so of awkward tension between this grown man-child and his actual child is tastier than Nachos Bell Grande.
Super Troopers – Speaking of hilarity…this is probably my pick for funniest movie of the decade. Everything Farva does is a mushroom cloud of yuks. “Where’d ya get the Canadian tuxedo?” One of the few movies I’m not ashamed to admit I saw multiple times in the theater (as opposed to The Rock or The Cable Guy).