Tag Archive | Princess Leia

Unsolicited Review Of Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens
Starring: Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, Adam Driver, Harrison Ford
Directed by J.J. Abrams
2015

Early marketing for The Force Awakens made it relatively clear J.J. Abrams and the Disney Corp would not be reinventing the wheel for this entry. And why would they? Even the sacred original Star Wars films closely mimic one another. All open in some barren wasteland, all feature dwarfish scavenging weirdos, all allow an otherwise goofy robot to play hero in a clutch moment. And so, seventh verse, same as the first: desert orphan, precocious droid, masked villain with red glowing rod, geometrically opposed spaceships.

It’s not the material, though, it’s the delivery, and Force Awakens delivers, effortlessly weaving visual potency, emotional conviction, unexpected humor, and raw excitement into a crackerjack package that provides antidote to the prequel trilogy’s turgid masturbation. Set thirty years after Return of The Jedi, the film brings us up to speed quickly: Luke Skywalker has disappeared, the Rebels have failed to consolidate their power, the Empire has not remained in defeat. That evil reich, now known as the First Order, counts amongst its ranks a brooding and violent Darth Vader disciple named Kylo Ren (Adam Driver). When a map pointing to the whereabouts of Luke fumbles out into the cosmos, Ren believes it’s his key to restoring Vader’s galactic vision.

Fate (or dumb luck) brings together the heroic team that quickly becomes Kylo Ren’s biggest headache. The AWOL Stormtrooper Finn (John Boyega) and isolated junk trader Rey (Daisy Ridley), both barely out of their teens, are a little overwhelmed as they inadvertently become swept up in the search for Skywalker (a figure neither can believe is real). Lucky for das kinder, another storied figure of lore (Harrison Ford) crashes the party and offers a lending hand (and wookiee). Meanwhile, the First Order turns an entire planet into a makeshift Death Star powered by the sun, and of course our band of outlaws winds up in an assault on that enormous menace, because what, are they not gonna help Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) and Admiral Ackbar?

Critics dog J.J. Abrams for doing little more than heating up other people’s leftovers in lens flare, but The Force Awakens proves when elements like a supremely talented cast and snappy scripting align the guy can slam dunk. Any bits that seem to defy whatever logic exists in this starry fantasy you forgive because the film’s whizzing you on a spirited, satisfying ride. The wonder and fun have returned to Star Wars, and not a moment too soon.

FINAL SCORE: Four precocious droids (out of four).

Ideas For Star Wars Anthology

– silent film about ewok shaman Logray and his dabblings in black magic, the very dabblings that got him excommunicated from Bright Tree Village

– psychological thriller where Lobot is suspected of murder but no one’s sure if he did it or the Cloud City computer that’s annexed his human brain

Hot Tatooine Nights: The Steamy Courtship Of Uncle Owen & Aunt Beru

– some kind of comedy where Albert Brooks voices the Dianoga

– body swap movie with Lando and Salacious Crumb

Ron Mothma, a dramedy about Mon Mothma’s deadbeat brother

– musical where Nien Nunb sings in his native language for thee hours

– some kind of Tomb Raider thing with Princess Leia

– remake of Annie Hall with ugnaughts

Thirty Years Of Jabba The Hutt’s Bitchy Admin Assist

Return of the Jedi was released thirty years ago today. Thirty years—three decades!—of salty Ewoks jokes, homemade Princess Leia bikinis, and of course Bib Fortuna, who I think we can all agree is the most enduring character from the original trilogy. To this day, you can’t stop children in every country of the world from putting sweatpants on their heads and growling in homage to Jabba the Hutt’s bitchy administrative assistant.

I’m just teasing you, Bib. Thanks to the prequels, there’s an army of Star Wars characters far more useless than you. Baby Greedo, for instance.

Return of the Jedi could have been ballsier. They could have killed off someone more pivotal than Yoda on the hero’s side. The film also could have looked better; whereas Star Wars has a visual grit and Empire a dream-like quality, Jedi looks very…pedestrian. The cameras really fail in capturing the gravity of what’s happening in this world. It’s no surprise to learn cinematographer Alan Hume quit late in Jedi’s production and was never officially replaced (word has it Hume was fed up with the way director Richard Marquand was being treated by the film’s production team).

That said, the sixth episode of this nutty space saga delivers in terms of narrative conclusion. We get what we were hoping for in Darth Vader’s final turn, and the very end is just the right amount of heartbreaking when you’re seeing it through Luke’s eyes. This makes Luke a true Jedi and a man—i.e. an outer space Johnny Cash-type who can host a private funeral without shedding tear one. Han Solo, emotionally transformed as well following his human popsicle ordeal, sticks around to help the Rebels and even invokes “bros before hoes” when sorting his romantic jive out with Leia.

Of course, the only reason Han can be Unfrozen Freelance Hero here is because Lando Calrissian performs a penance for his Empire Strikes Back treachery: according to official canon, the former Mayor of Cloud City did a full year as one of Jabba’s palace guards on the off chance Luke, Leia, and the droids would somehow pull their shit together to rescue both Han and himself. Talk about bravery and/or taking one for the team. There was no guarantee there. Imagine if the Rancor had somehow eaten Luke. Then what the hell would Lando have done?

Let us also note that despite a proliferation of cutesy Muppet-related nonsense Return of the Jedi offers its share of raw moments. Jabba the Hutt is literally choked to death by Princess Leia. An Ewok eats it onscreen, prompting another Ewok to sort of get all Platoon on us. Luke goes balls out in the closing seconds of his lightsaber battle with Vader, hacking away like his father’s torso is a piñata, all the while wearing a “Bitch, how you like me NOW?” expression on his face. Yoda dies of old age in close-up, which is really powerful because this guy’s supposed to be the strongest (good) Jedi in the galaxy yet he can’t mind trick the Grim Reaper (although, based on his elongated speech patterns, you can tell he’s fighting it with every molecule in his tiny green body).

Today, as a thirty-four year old recovering Tattooine addict, life with Return of the Jedi is a little bittersweet. G. Lucas can’t stop scribblin’ on his movies with CGI, and right now Jedi—the most recent Star Wars outing that’s more fun than slog—suffers worst of all. Great musical sequences altered and/or erased in favor of ham-fisted crap. Sarlacc penis. Blinking Ewoks. Prequel Hayden painted over Sebastian Shaw. Tiny Jar Jars. It puts a damper on everything. Yo dawg, where my Yub Nub at?

I guess it’s like an old girlfriend. You remember the good times, before she took that hard left and decided the moon cult was more important than you. What can you do? Complain about it on a blog, I guess.

At least Bob Fortuna remains in all his original 1983 glory. Kay one-a wunga indeed, my friend.