There Are No Wawas In Smallville
Not sure how 7-11 is going to help Superman defeat General Zod but I guess their competitive prices on nachos and zingers can’t hurt, right? And hey, what’s more refreshing after vanquishing your intergalactic foes than a Code Red Mountain Dew-flavored Slurpee? Nothing, that’s what.
“South Park” Dr Pepper Update
I’ve reached out to both Dr Pepper and Comedy Central regarding the “Dr Pep-er” situation, but so far I’ve heard nothing back. Granted, I only e-mailed Comedy Central about five minutes ago, but Dr P’s had since Friday to phone me back with an explanation. Guess they needed the entire weekend to cook up an elaborate cover story for what is clearly a Project Blue Book-style conspiracy.
Stay tuned, pop junkies. This investigation might culminate in an ambush outside the Eugene O’Neill Theater where Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s immensely popular Book of Mormon is playing. I’ll force those rich sons of carpenters to swear on a Bible they aren’t being paid by Dr Pepper (or get punched trying)!
Dr Pepper Cans Still Popping Up On “South Park”
As you can see in this screen cap from last night’s “South Park,” Trey & Matt are still insisting that their cherubic little characters occasionally slurp up some delicious and refreshing Dr Pepper brand soft drinks. Granted, the cans in question are actually labeled “Dr Pep-er” (and they’re not, as I previously believed, just Photoshopped in), but in the immortal words of Jimmy Valmer, cuhm awn. That’s clearly the official Dr Pepper can design, animated with more rich detail than anything else in the shot.
I tweeted @drpepper about this whole “South Park” thing the other day to try and get some solid answers RE: paid product placement. Would you believe they never answered me? Sheesh, it’s like they’re trying to run a multi-national beverage company down there or something. I’ll try calling their customer service hotline tomorrow to see if the phone jockeys have been fed any kind of PR gold regarding the so far unspoken and unholy Dr Pepper/”South Park” union.
Again, what makes this whole thing suspect is the fact that the characters never comment on their “Dr Pep-er” consumption. “South Park” has worked name brands into the show before, but usually as some kind of major plot device (KFC, Wal-Mart). With this Dr Pepper thing, the kids just drink it and that’s that. You’ll notice that the other soda can in the above shot isn’t even labeled—it’s just a green can of soda. Thus, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn Dr Pepper is paying “South Park” to pimp their pop (minus a P, for some reason).
Meanwhile, Cartman never eats his beloved and no-longer-fictional Cheesy Poofs anymore. What up with that? Sigh. I suppose we have to take this one issue at a time.
An Open Letter To Cornucopia Beverages
Dear Cornucopia Representatives:
Recently there’s been a lot of discussion / debate / controversy over product placement in blogs. People are rapidly growing concerned that the sanctity of our “blogosphere” is being ruined by savvy corporate marketing engineers, who are paying influential and popular bloggers to write subtle advertisements for certain products within the text of their blog posts. The most recent “offender” is Absolut Vodka, who distributed flip cameras and free booze to Brooklyn-based writers who name-checked their trendy swill in stories about dog walking or vegan chili or whatever the heck it is most of these people are scribbling about on the Internet.
While it is somewhat disheartening to see the purity of anything shattered by the cold hand of Corporate America, I have come to accept this as an inevitability. Something’s got to keep our struggling economy afloat. This is why I’m contacting you. As luck would have it, I have a blog. It’s called JG2Land (jgtwo.wordpress.com), and I like to think of it as my electronic spiraled notebook where I put ideas and stories I can’t sell as freelance work to more reputable media outlets. The main focus is pop culture (i.e. movies, television, all that junk) but sometimes I do offer whimsical stories from my childhood that seem to please the core audience.
JG2Land snags about 900 unique visitors a day; admittedly, that doesn’t exactly put me on par with Perez Hilton or probably even Tony Danza, but you’d be surprised at some of the powerful individuals who fall into my readership. Albert Pyun, director of the ill-fated 1990 Captain America movie, has repeatedly expressed his pleasure with my writing in JG2Land’s comments section. I’m pretty sure I also once saw a paparazzi photo of Jimmie Walker reading my blog in the business center of whatever cruise ship currently employs him.
As I understand it, Cornucopia Beverages, you are the company who bottles and distributes Moxie, the bitter soft drink that for years was only available in the northern most corners of New England. Being from Connecticut, I have a true affinity for Moxie and its medicine-like taste. Why, I’ve been known to drive up to two and half hours just to procure a six pack! It’s a fine beverage, and I do believe with 100% certainty that Ted Williams wouldn’t have been half the hitter he was without Moxie’s obvious muscle-enriching properties.
I would now like to extend an offer to exclusively reference Moxie in future blog posts on JG2Land. In exchange, money would be nice, but I’ll take a regular supply of the beverage delivered to me in lieu of cold hard cash. I know you folks have been trying to expand Moxie’s reach into the furthest corners of the country, and I can think of no better way to raise brand awareness than allowing me to officially promote your beverage on my fabulous and funderful JG2Land blog.
I thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you. Hopefully, together we can make Moxie the most beloved and significant soft drink of this new decade.
James Greene, Jr.