1. Everybody here has done coke. I mean everybody. Anyone who hasn’t done it wants to do it and is probably about to do it right now.
2. Rollie Fingers mustaches are back in style. They don’t look good on anyone except Rollie Fingers.
3. The City That Never Sleeps goes to sleep around midnight. The only shit open after that are a couple of cafes in the Village and all the dance clubs. If you’re up past three, have fun drinking six dollar expressos and sweating your ass off to La Bouche.
4. There’s no Count Chocula anywhere in this city.
5. The toll plazas will always catch you if you go through the E-Z Pass lane with no E-Z Pass.
6. Staten Island makes most of New Jersey look like Connecticut.
7. Nothing you buy in Chinatown will ever work properly (not even the t-shirts).
8. I kind of like horseradish.
9. All the dogs here are either large enough to be mistaken for small bears or small enough to be mistaken for large rats. There is no such thing as a normal-sized dog in New York City.
10. Middle names are on their way out.
Speak not the following while I eat (unless you’re in the mood to wear what I’m chewing). Alphabetically:
astronaut ice cream
classically trained mime
Costas P. Lemonopolous
dynamic front man
high on the hog
Judgment Night soundtrack
Kellog’s Corn Flakes
Native American tribal document
(the) pain train
tweakin’ out at a rave
winding my death watch
More as I think of/encounter them.