Tag Archive | Ronald Reagan

Give Me Delta Or Give Me Death

Orlando Weekly let me go last week. They said it was a budget thing, but to be honest with you I think they were sick of me pitching Delta Burke stories every day. Hey, it’s not my fault the world’s most beautiful and talented actress hails from this corner of the universe. It’s like Plato said: you can either get on the Delta Burke train or you can get flattened by it.

Stay tuned for the soft launch of my new periodical, Burke Beat, where you’ll finally learn “the real deal” about Delta’s experiences overseas filming Where The Hell’s That Gold?

Awesome Ideas For Gremlins 3

– Mr. Wing’s family comes to the States from China to try and kill Gizmo, who now lives with a down-on-his-luck Billy in an affordable housing unit in Brewster, New York; eventually it is revealed that Wing himself has been illegally breeding gremlins for years in various American cities as part of a massive insurance scam

– the brain gremlin, having somehow survived the gremlin holocaust at the end of Gremlins 2, escapes to the Staten Island dump where he begins plotting his next move; unfortunately, local townspeople mistake him for the chupacabra and hire a band of cryptozoologists to try and capture him; the final scene is a parody of King Kong wherein the brain gremlin will climb atop a Rite Aid with an undressed Barbie doll to fight off a cadre of blood-thirsty pigeons

– while on vacation in South Beach Billy accidentally drops Gizmo in the ocean; suddenly the beach is filled with sex-starved mogwai who begin furiously mating as soon as they hit the sand; eventually the president decides to nuke the entire state of Florida

– Judge Reinhold’s character has been secretly hording gremlin DNA since the first movie and attempts to sell what he has to the government; little does he know the gov’t were the ones who originally created gremlins to distract Americans from the botched assassination of Walter Mondale; the final scene reveals Mondale alive and regularly ingesting gremlin hormones in a secret Area 51-type facility so as to attain immortality (it’s also revealed that Ronald Reagan didn’t have alzheimer’s but a deadly disease that slowly turned him into a blood-thirsty pigeon)

– three words: gremlins down under