Tag Archive | Sarah Jessica Parker is never getting naked ever

Unsolicited Sex & the City: The Movie Review

Sex and the City
Starring: Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis, Cynthia Nixon

Bombshell: I’ve never seen a single episode of the “Sex and the City” television show. I know. And I call myself a true student of pop culture? Well, actually, no, I’ve never called myself that. Totally rockin’ dude who does a passable Jack Benny impression, sure, but true student of pop culture? Please. I’m not trying to be a VH-1 talking head here.

I went to check out this film partially as a favor to a friend, but I also went because I knew I could judge it fairly and objectively. Yessir, when the dust settled, I would be able to firmly say whether or not the big fat Sex and the City motion picture could stand on its own two feet, independent of the popular HBO series that spawned it.

Verdict? You don’t gotta know dick about the TV show before walking in to this yazz. They do this slick “greatest hits” montage of clips from the series over the opening credits to get dopes like me up to speed. Smart move. Not only did that allow me to enjoy the next two hours of nutty female hi-jinks without getting too confused, it also showed me all the best parts of the show. Now I don’t have to waste fifty bajillion hours watching the whole damn thing just so I get “funky spunk” references. Thanks, montage!

Hardcore “Sex” fans are trashing the film pretty hard, but I found it to be reasonably entertaining. I laughed way more than I thought I would. If this is “Sex and the City” at its worst, maybe I actually will sit down one day and check out an episode or two of the show. Then again, sometimes I’m easily amused. I’ve been known to roll down large hills when I have my druthers. Yes, I am a grown-ass man.

The thing that really blew my mind about Sex and the City was how not haggard Chris Noth looked. You see that guy on “Law & Order” and he just looks tired as hell all the time, like he’s been up for three months. In the world of Carrie Bradshaw, that motherfucker glues himself together. Way to go, Chris Noth.

So the plot: four upwardly mobile Big Apple broads have relationship issues. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. One character lives in Los Angeles, and another one of the characters doesn’t really have any relationship issues – she has the perfect husband, family, house, and digestive track. You think there’s gonna be a wedding, then there isn’t. One of the women’s husbands cheats on her and they fight about it for the whole movie. You see the tip of some guy’s wang. You see all the main characters naked except for Sarah Jessica Parker, who’s had this “no nudity” clause in her contract since birth.

Yes, there is a scene where one character angrily throws a cell phone into the ocean. There is also a scene where the four women party to Run-D.M.C.’s “Walk This Way.” Run’s kids gotta eat!

Let’s rip off one of the greats now and look at those drive-in totals:

Gratuitous Jennifer Hudson. Several breasts. One poop joke. One precocious child. One severely Botoxed Candace Bergen. No explosions. No dead bodies. Martini Fu. Brooklyn Fu. Wedding Bouquet Fu. Willie Garson Fu.

I give it two and a half stars. Jim Bob says check it out.