Tag Archive | Sarah Palin

Top Ten Things JG2 Did Not Care About In 2009

1. Jon Gosselin’s sunburned and fame-heavy jowls

2. Mafia Wars

3. The increased popularity of Twitter amongst people over forty

4. The increased popularity of vampires amongst people under twenty

5. The debate over any politician’s secret agenda bent on undermining American values

6. A-Rod

7. Anything Wil.i.am said or did

8. Anything related to “The Hipster Grifter” (save nude pix)

9. Facebook selling my personal info to Google in exchange for virgin blood

10. Levi Johnson’s big stupid Alaskan dick propping up a magazine everyone thought folded in 1995

Time Magazine Makes Me Wanna Smoke Crack

I wonder how much money Sarah Palin threw at them for this giant butt-lick?

Let me be clear that I’m not criticizing the Hockey Mom here—just Time. Like it’s not bad enough their content has shrunk to Lilliputian sizes in recent months (giant blank margins are now a regular part of their layout) or that said content is often banal crap like “The History of Television” or the “Hey, Let’s Talk About FDR!” issue they put out a few weeks ago. Now Time is doing PR work for struggling poli-celebs.

That’s all that article amounts to, really. A large, flowery endorsement for SP in 2012. I mean, look—I watched that video of her resignation speech. Woman seemed like she was on her last nerve. I was anticipating another Budd Dwyer incident. Instead, she kept the swirl of emotion just below the surface. There were definitely visible waves. How anyone could report this story and not discuss Palin’s demeanor during her adios to Alaska is just insane. Unless they were paid to lick her butt.

Two other things about this article irritated me—inside the physical issue of Time, on the Editor’s page, there was a photo of the article’s author with Palin. Like, “OMG, look who I partied with!!” That’s just unnecessary. We know you met Sarah Palin. You wrote the goddamn story. Save that kinda bunk for your Facebook page. Also, the following line:

“If ever there has been a time to gamble on a flimsy résumé, ever a time for the ultimate outsider, this might be it.”

UM, I THOUGHT THAT’S WHAT WE JUST DID. WE JUST ELECTED A COMMUNITY ORGANIZER PRESIDENT. Not that I don’t like him. He seems like an alright guy so far. We haven’t been nuked yet, so he must be doing an acceptable job, right? At any rate, the only thing I remember anyone talking about before Obama’s election was how much of a “gamble” he was because of his “flimsy résumé” (community organizer? WTF is that?). That was the only issue the Right nailed Barry on. And you know what? Most Americans said, “Fuck it. Harry Truman made motherfucking hats for a living before he was President, and he was pretty damn good. So let’s go with the one whose life doesn’t resemble some sub-Lifetime reality show.”

So, yeah, I don’t know, maybe I’m just some kinda ignorant asshole over here, but I think championing Palin for the same thing everybody knocked Obama for is weaker than Don Knotts after an eight hour jerk session. And stop givin’ me this baloney about Palin being the “ultimate outsider.” Politically speaking, Rip Taylor is the ultimate outsider. If McCain had picked him as his running mate, the shit would have really hit the fan. Did you know Rip Taylor is GAY MAN??? Not only that—Rip Taylor WEARS A WIG and THROWS CONFETTI AT PEOPLE!! In some parts of this country, that’s way more controversial than shooting wolves from a helicopter.

Anyway, Time sucks lately, and I refuse to offer any kind of constructive criticism and/or solution because that’s not my job and it’s Friday and they ignored all those pleas for employment I sent them anyway. All I’m sayin’ is that if I were in charge, this week America would be reading a cover story that contemplates the artistic road that lies ahead for “Weird Al” Yankovic.

Fuck you, you know you’d read it!

Sarah Palin Shoots Chewbacca’s Father Just To Watch Him Die

Other headlines I considered using: Sarah Palin Attempts To Cash In On Rickmat A Month Too Late; I Think I Know What My First Tattoo Is Going To Be.

The above image comes from (you guessed it) Weekly World News. The accompanying article contains an amazing factoid about our second President: “John Adams was notorious for having captured what he called a ‘Skunk Ape’ and killing it with his bare hands on the White House lawn in front of a paying audience.”

I don’t know why I’m wasting my time writing for anyone else. I need to get a job with WWN stat. Do you think they offer full medical and dental?