Below you will find the cream of my bloggin’ crop from Twenty-twelve, a.k.a. the year everyone had a Mayan calendar joke.
Unsolicited X: The Unheard Music Review
Dinner With Fake Dog Owner/Real Drummer Danny Young
Geriatric Chicken Man Claims To Have Elvis On Elbow
Jimmy Castor: 1947-2012
Shit A Seventeenth Century English Fop Says
A Big Fat Stupid Love Letter To “Late Night With David Letterman”
Twenty-Five Other Essential Punk Albums
Another Letter Of Note
I Didn’t Want To Know Slash’s Shoe Size Anyway
Basic Cable Reality Show Ideas
A.J. Confessore: 1969-2012
Potential Plot Lines For The New “ALF” Movie
The Giant Sentient Leeches Have Silenced Canibus
Holy Federico Fellini! It’s A Burt Ward Film Primer!
Did Osama bin Laden Have The Bodyguard On VHS Or DVD?
Choose Your Own Adventure (Waterskiing Squirrel Edition)
Don’t Read This While Eating
Corporate Hippie Ghost Logos Still Suck
Disney Pays $4 Billion For More Ewok Guitar Solos
Unsolicited Thoughts On Serious Puppet Scandal 2012
Slayer’s Reign In Blood Totally Synchs Up With Star Wars
In the words of cherished poet Sylvester Stallone: Not that it’s over! Principle “Sesame Street” actor Kevin Clash has been accused by a second person of statutory diddling many moons ago (this news breaking a scant twenty-four hours after Clash’s first victim flip-flopped his story back to “yeah, Muppet Man sexed me in the wrong”). Again, it doesn’t seem like victim number two feels all that victimized as he “did not become aware” Clash’s sexing had caused “adverse psychological and emotional” damage until right now and, in lieu of contacting authorities, decided to serve his former lover with a $5 million civil suit, but hey, I’ve never fucked a puppeteer double my age.
At any rate, Kevin Clash has resigned from “Sesame Street,” peace outting as this latest sordid tale was hitting newswires. We will now see if Elmo truly is bigger than any one person as the CTW braintrust bragged when the first accuser came forward with his yarn (massive points if they retcon the past twenty-eight years and go back to Elmo’s original voice). I suppose we’ll also be treated to the specific prurient interests of Clash via sensational Gawker posts. Finally, the world will know exactly what brand of condoms Muppeteers prefer. Hooray.
So there you have it. Elmo, felled by matters of the flesh—railroaded, perhaps, into an unfair early retirement by greedy embittered ex-lovers. On the other hand, maybe K. Clash was / is a serial statutory rapist and these two cats just happen to prefer moolah to justice. Meanwhile, I couldn’t tell you fact one about the General Petraeus sex scandal because no puppets are involved and that guy should have been in hot water long ago for the shifty crud he was doing on the clock. Nailing your biographer? Whatever. Call me when Petraeus is caught in an alley masturbating to photos of the gang from “Fraggle Rock.”
– sixteen is old enough to realize letting a forty year old give it to you might be a bad idea
– sixteen is old enough to realize letting a forty year old give it to you might yield serious cash if he’s in a position of power [UPDATE: and here we are]
– giving it to a sixteen year old doesn’t necessarily interfere with your ability to operate a puppet
– giving it to a sixteen year old is an incredibly poor judgment call, especially when you’re forty and you operate one of the most famous puppets in the world AND you live and work in a city that easily facilitates the gay lifestyle for thousands of functioning adults
– winning over a hundred Daytime Emmys does not give your puppet show the jurisdiction to conduct its own investigation into an employee’s sex abuse case
– our culture loves to sex shame (even when most facts remain blurry)
– Big Bird’s gonna have to pull a double shift this week