Tag Archive | Shamu

– it is discovered the Hulk’s rage is direct result of comically small penis size and the fortune he’s spent on male enhancement drugs

– two hour court room drama wherein Hulk Hogan and creators of “That’s Incredible!” sue the Hulk for copyright infringement

– two hour court room drama wherein Ang Lee is sued by the American people for the first Hulk movie

– Hulk becomes UFC fighter and inadvertently eats guest ref Ken Shamrock at first match

– meth addiction ravages Hulk’s body to the point that “hulk outs” eventually result in a flabby, weathered green mess

– Hulk is captured and forced to fight Shamu at Sea World; the two would-be enemies eventually bond, break out of the theme park, and use Florida’s Interstate 4 as their personal toilet / sex mat

April 29, 2008

Sharky, The Most Popular Dead Dolphin On The Internet

Get ready for a bombshell: JG2Land normally doesn’t get a whole lot of visitors.

According to the WordPress Statistics Machine, on any given day somewhere between six and eighteen people surf on in to see what I’m up to. That’s no big deal. To paraphrase the guy in that old wine commercial, I’m only doing this blog to please one person: me. I am my own biggest fan. If I don’t stop hanging around my own house waiting to catch a glimpse of me, I’m going to have to call the cops on myself.

You can imagine my surprise when I logged in yesterday after the Sharky the Dolphin obituary went up and saw that upwards of ninety people had stopped by JG2Land. The aforementioned WordPress Statistics Machine (hereby referred to as the WSM) confirmed that the majority of these visitors were searching for any news they could get regarding Sharky’s untimely death. Talk about one popular dolphin. Sharky makes Flipper look like a completely obscure asshole!

So far today, the WSM shows 117 people have strode through the virtual gates of my literary amusement park, most of them still on the hunt for Sharky facts, figures, and funeral plans. That’s really something.

I have to question the WSM, though, as I tried Googling “Sharky the Dolphin” myself and the original JG2Land Sharky entry did not come up on the first six pages of search results. Are all these visitors using Dogpile or some other outmoded search engine? I demand a more specific breakdown of who these people are, where they come from, and what the deal is with airplane peanuts.

One Sharky enthusiast named Sally was nice enough to leave a comment informing me that Sharky was a girl. Thanks, Sally, but Shamu’s the one you should be telling. He / She / It’s under the impression Sharky was all man. Oh, and I deleted your comment because you left it in the “About Me” section. That space is reserved solely for comments about how awesome I am.

I guess it’s safe to assume all famous animals are actually female. Lassie, Spuds MacKenzie, Garfield, the Ultimate Warrior, Star Jones – they’re all womenfolk. Show me a famous critter with a wang and I’ll have you arrested for peddling varmint porn.

I’d like to thank the Sharky Nation for stopping by. Unfortunately, I can offer nothing more than my condolences and a few corny jokes. Hopefully your pal Sharky is enjoying his new home in the clouds with Albert Einstein and Jonathan Brandis. Peace be with you, dolphin.

April 28, 2008

Sharky the Dolphin: 1978-2008

Sharky, a thirty year old dolphin best known for entertaining hordes of tourists at Sea World Orlando, died Saturday after colliding with another dolphin during an aerial stunt. Sea World spokeswoman Becca Bides was quoted as saying, “This is an unfortunate, random incident.”

Tyler, the other dolphin involved in this tragic accident, was visibly shaken upon learning the news of his partner’s death. He canceled the rest of his performances for Saturday and retreated to his dressing room, where loud rock music could be heard just barely covering up uncontrollable dolphin sobs.

Shamu, Sea World’s star killer whale, remarked to reporters this morning, “You know, I may be like the fifteenth Shamu, but this is just fucked up. You never want anyone to die here. Well, except maybe that new guy they’ve got playing Sir Winston Walrus. That guy’s a straight-up prick. Anyway, Sharky was my boy. I’ll miss him.”

No one had Sharky in the death pool. Scores remain unchanged.

P.S. – To sum up the lengthy rant I originally posted here, just how “random” is it that two dolphins at Sea World accidentally collided? The tanks they perform in aren’t very big, and they swim and jump around in them all damn day. It seems like inadvertent dolphin collisions should happen a lot more often. Kudos to all the dolphins at Sea World who manage not to slam into each other.

P.P.S. – It just dawned on me that this deceased dolphin’s name was Sharky. That’s like having a cat named Puppy.