Tag Archive | Staten Island
January 17, 2013  

Awesome Ideas For Gremlins 3

– Mr. Wing’s family comes to the States from China to try and kill Gizmo, who now lives with a down-on-his-luck Billy in an affordable housing unit in Brewster, New York; eventually it is revealed that Wing himself has been illegally breeding gremlins for years in various American cities as part of a massive insurance scam

– the brain gremlin, having somehow survived the gremlin holocaust at the end of Gremlins 2, escapes to the Staten Island dump where he begins plotting his next move; unfortunately, local townspeople mistake him for the chupacabra and hire a band of cryptozoologists to try and capture him; the final scene is a parody of King Kong wherein the brain gremlin will climb atop a Rite Aid with an undressed Barbie doll to fight off a cadre of blood-thirsty pigeons

– while on vacation in South Beach Billy accidentally drops Gizmo in the ocean; suddenly the beach is filled with sex-starved mogwai who begin furiously mating as soon as they hit the sand; eventually the president decides to nuke the entire state of Florida

– Judge Reinhold’s character has been secretly hording gremlin DNA since the first movie and attempts to sell what he has to the government; little does he know the gov’t were the ones who originally created gremlins to distract Americans from the botched assassination of Walter Mondale; the final scene reveals Mondale alive and regularly ingesting gremlin hormones in a secret Area 51-type facility so as to attain immortality (it’s also revealed that Ronald Reagan didn’t have alzheimer’s but a deadly disease that slowly turned him into a blood-thirsty pigeon)

– three words: gremlins down under

May 30, 2008  

Ten Things I’ve Learned After Living In New York For Almost A Year

1. Everybody here has done coke. I mean everybody. Anyone who hasn’t done it wants to do it and is probably about to do it right now.

2. Rollie Fingers mustaches are back in style. They don’t look good on anyone except Rollie Fingers.

3. The City That Never Sleeps goes to sleep around midnight. The only shit open after that are a couple of cafes in the Village and all the dance clubs. If you’re up past three, have fun drinking six dollar expressos and sweating your ass off to La Bouche.

4. There’s no Count Chocula anywhere in this city.

5. The toll plazas will always catch you if you go through the E-Z Pass lane with no E-Z Pass.

6. Staten Island makes most of New Jersey look like Connecticut.

7. Nothing you buy in Chinatown will ever work properly (not even the t-shirts).

8. I kind of like horseradish.

9. All the dogs here are either large enough to be mistaken for small bears or small enough to be mistaken for large rats. There is no such thing as a normal-sized dog in New York City.

10. Middle names are on their way out.