Dear Corporate Shitlords,

Next Christmas, please do this country a huge favor—instead of foisting another entire day of Played Out Midwestern Yuletide Firearm Struggle upon us, please air twenty-four hours of The Dirt Bike Kid instead so that we as a society can begin learning the rhythm, cadence, and nuances of a wholly different Peter Billingsley performance from 1980-whenever. None of us want to hear the Red Ryder spiel again for like forty years.

Thanks in advance,

James Greene, Jr.