This holiday weekend, as you settle in to watch How About Jack Sparrow Is An Indian? And Maybe There’s Another Guy?, don’t forget the original fight for law and order in the early west across 1990s FM airwaves. Ah, those thrilling days of yesteryear when terrestrial radio still mattered. I’ll argue to my grave that first half of this movie is brilliant (everything hits a wall when they give us that scene of Brendan Fraser sulking to “Unsatisfied,” as if the headbanger Chazz Darvey would even know who the Replacements are).

It is kind of weird, though, that for Airheads’ duration no one counters the running gag of “three guys called the Lone Rangers?” by pointing out the original Lone Ranger never thwarted a bank robbery or saved a maiden fair without assistance from Tonto. I mean, how did he even get that name if someone was always with him? He wasn’t even lone when he became the Lone Ranger—he rode into that ambush with eight of his brothers, right? Sheesh, this guy’s more like the Co-Dependent Ranger if you ask me.

And another thing: If James Bond is so fucking famous, how come in every one of his stupid movies he has to introduce himself? “You’re the most handsome man in this casino, you’re winning every round, you’re also the only Scottish guy here—what was your name again?”

I’m going to workshop these bits tonight at the Comedy Hutch in Ocala. Come on out, two for one drinks!