Like most shut-ins and hermits, I spend an inordinate amount of time watching the Food Network. You have to hand it to the person(s) who thought up that channel—every single living creature on the planet thinks about food at least once a day. Subjects don’t come much more universal than that. If lemurs could watch TV, lemurs would most certainly watch the Food Network (and maybe CMT, for the “Knight Rider” reruns).

Lately I’ve noticed this particular personality all over the Food Network. Perhaps you’ve seen him. His name is Guy Fieri, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear he was a time traveler from 1998:

In addition to the platinum spikes, dark brown goatee, and giant earrings, Guy Fieri also talks like it’s eleven years ago. On his flagship show “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives” (which is actually kind of a neat program; I like learning about greasy spoons across our great country), Fieri regularly uses the term “money” in the adjective form. Example:

“This Hollandaise sauce is totally money!”

I’m pretty sure no one’s said that since Swingers came out. Other staples of Guy’s vocabulary include “freak” (as in “get your freak on”), “Flavor Town,” and my personal favorite, “hot Frisbee of fun.” The boy likes his Fs. He also abbreviates…a lot. “Diners” is always referred to by Guy as “Triple D”; Fieri hosts this other show, “Ultimate Recipe Showdown,” the promos for which always begin with him saying, “Next time on URS…”

URS? How am I supposed to know what the hell that means? That sounds like an invasive medical procedure. It’s not even that catchy of an abbreviation. Is “Ultimate Recipe Showdown” really so much of a tongue-twister, Guy? Were the three seconds you saved abbreviating it that valuable?

I’m sorry, I know it might seem like I’m unfairly coming down on Guy. He’s just some harmless cable TV personality. I’m sure he makes a lot people happy. I just find it hard to understand how a guy like Guy exists in this day and age. I didn’t realize the era of Sugar Ray and Pets.com was something anyone was actively attempting to keep alive. I think even Mark McGrath has moved on from that weird, slightly heady period.

Guy Fieri, you confuse me. One day I will corner you in an attempt to figure your shit out. Also, I need directions to Flavor Town. I can’t find it on any map. I’m guessing it’s somewhere near Funky Town, but I want to be sure.