Tag Archive | white can Coke

Nat’l Buffoon’s Xmas Vacation

Once again I have high-tailed it out of New York for the Christmas season, popping down to Florida to spend this nog-soaked month with my parents and the greater Orlando area. This will actually mark the longest period I’ve spent in the Sunshine State since permanently departing in 2007. Hopefully I don’t pick up any of my old nasty habits (compulsive consumption of dill flavored potato chips, unnecessary hair dying, etc).

I was shocked last week to find a flight out of the Rotten Apple for mere double digits. I was even more shocked to find this plane offered upholstered seats and regular beverage service. I’m counting this as the first official 2011 Christmas Miracle. Alas, the only Coca-Cola they had to offer on this flight was Honky Coke. I was so enraged I fell asleep. I awoke shortly before landing to the sound of two British girls seated in front of me debating who’s the most famous Kardashian. Yeah, like there’s a question about that in any hemisphere.

Even though my mother converted my old bedroom into generic guest quarters long ago, the space itself still holds that certain power with me. Suddenly, I have no problem sawing a deep slumber until noonish no matter what time I retired the previous night. I also feel more emboldened to air guitar in front of the window, although this probably has more to do with the implied notion that the feral cats who like to relax in my parents’ backyard will be less judgmental than my neighbors in Brooklyn. I know you can see me, Girl Who Sits On Her Fire Escape With Her Laptop, but I’m judging you back twice as hard.

The only disappointing aspect of this trip so far has been the startling lack of old toys/trinkets in my closet left to sell for quick cash. If anyone’s interested in a Star Wars cork board that prominently features a cartoon rendering of the Millennium Falcon or various VHS tapes containing Ramones and Sex Pistols-related programming taped off mid-nineties television broadcasts, please message me immediately. These items will only depreciate in value. I also have a Chipper Jones bobble-head I got in a box of cereal. You can have that for free if you know where my parents live and show up at a reasonable hour.

Coming soon: A photographic tour of the incredibly somber paintings my parents insist on keeping up in this house. I don’t know why you’d want a picture of what looks like a mournful teenage Linda Ronstadt shedding two giant tears affixed to your wall, but it’s been a prized possession in this family for years. And people wonder why I struggle with depression.

America Meets White Can Coke, Summarily Rejects It

“You can’t change something that’s classic,” seventeen year old Wisoncsin native Mel Cyr told The Wall Street Journal in response to the recent appearance of regular Coke in white cans reminiscent of the brand’s Diet Coke packaging. Coca-Cola’s agreed to bring back the red can we’ve been so conditioned into loving, but there’s still some debate as to whether or not the color is all the company changed. Some seasoned soda drinkers claim the white can Coke tastes, for lack of a better word, “funky.” Coca-Cola claims they didn’t tamper with Coke Classic’s formula, but since when are we supposed to believe a multi-national beverage conglomerate?

I tracked down a few white can Cokes in my neighborhood this morning, and as someone who is more familiar with Coke than most of his relatives I can assure you the soft drink in these cans offers a lighter, less intense flavor of Coca-Cola. It doesn’t taste like Diet Coke, mind you—there’s none of that aspartamy chemical swish. The stuff’s just got less bite than real Coke. It tastes like they upped the sugar and lessened the, uh, whatever it is that makes Coke so bitter. I don’t want to use the “P” word in describing this Yuletide curiosity, but I’d understand if you felt that way after pouring some down your gullet.

Of course, a Coke product that tastes similar to their main competitor harkens back to the 1985 New Coke debacle, an episode regular readers know is one of my obsessions. Is white can Coke leftover New Coke that the company had previously banished to remote Micronesian islands? Is Coke in such dire financial straights that they decided to re-introduce New Coke covertly for the handful of Americans who actually preferred it to Coke Classic? Did somebody make an “uh-oh” at the Coke plant, accidentally whipping up a batch of New Coke for the next two months instead of the regular stuff? Obviously I cannot answer these questions before I take a road trip to Atlanta with a private investigator.

In the meantime, can we get a lobby going to start calling this stuff “Honky Coke?” Is that offensive to people from Newport, Rhode Island? Get back at me on that one, Internet.