Testy McCheckcheck (w/ Zeke)
This is a test post because my last entry Houdini’d its title. To make it worth your while, I have included twenty minutes of punk n’ rollers Zeke tearing up some stage in 1998.
I remember the first time I heard Zeke. It was Dirty Sanchez, right after it came out. I’m being dead serious when I say I thought it was too good and did not listen to it again for over a decade. I just couldn’t handle it. I felt like I was having a heart attack when I heard it. Has that ever happened to you?
Some Radiohead albums are like that for me as well. One or two Prince cuts too. That Prince, with his dirty funk!
Q: What Would It Take To Get You Into Wal-Mart On Xmas Eve?
A: In the center of the store there must be such a gross amount of Surge twelve packs left over from 1997 that the employees have fashioned it all to look like some world famous landmark, like the Taj Mahal or the Parthenon. They also must take out singular cans and have them about the perimeter of said display like little people, dressed in the appropriate costumes (for instance, if it’s the Parthenon, little togas and laurel wreaths).
Next to that, there must be an aisle of Star Wars DVDs / Blu-Rays featuring the original three movies—Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi—in their unaltered theatrical form. A bonus disc must be bundled with these DVDs containing the alternate version of Revenge of the Sith I literally dreamed one night in 2005; centered around some sort of mystical time capsule on Hoth, my subconscious version of Sith magically explains away all the frustrating bullshit from the first two Star Wars prequels and is infinitely more captivating than any frame of the real movie.
The in-house music must be playing the Zeke discography and the Wal-Mart staff must be comprised of Pam Grier, Charo, Elvira, Rip Taylor, Jodie Foster, Johnny 5 from Short Circuit, John Gemberling, and E.T. era Drew Barrymore. I must be driven to this Wal-Mart (the exterior of which must also feature a mural celebrating my life’s accomplishments) in the original Ectomobile by Annie Potts. When I finish checking out, Chuck Barris must come out from behind a curtain to smash me in the face with a creme pie.
“Jaye P. Mor-gone!” Barris must exclaim. “What do you think of James Greene’s purchases?”
Jaye P. Morgan must then appear to say something withering.